trust your journey.. at least that's what they say!
Do you feel like the person you were, even just a year ago, no longer exists? I have experienced this a few times in my 30 years and it raises a few questions for me... Am I always going to evolve and change so much? 25 year old Ashley loved the bar scene.. Loved being around people.. Loved her Bud Light.. 27 year old Ashley was a newly married woman with a broken heart from her older sister Nicole passing away suddenly. But 30 year old Ashley is a totally different animal. She struggles with infertility. She puts weight on in the blink of an eye and it takes months to lose a couple lbs. She is sensitive like never before. She is exhausted. She works from sun up to sun down most days. But she is the happiest version of myself I have ever known. I have this new found fearless-ness (is that a word? if not, it is now) about me. I am diving head first into any and everything I want for myself and my life. I have bean taking online photography courses and just in the couple months I can see HUGE changes in my skills and style! I am finally saying no to things that don't interest me and not feeling guilty about it. But most importantly, I am trusting the journey to begin a family with my husband. We have tried for 3 years now with no luck, not even a scare! I always knew I had PCOS but never knew how big of a burden it would be when trying to conceive. My husband , bless his heart, is the most gentle giant I know. He loves with no end and has let me be all the different forms of me I have been through out the years. But, we both agreed after our September trip with our friends that we were going to get serious about this baby talk we would randomly, not so seriously have conversations about.
So we did it! I made our first appointment with Kentucky Fertility institute... I called in August to get a consultation and the first day they had available was October 12. ... "Great~ the one day out of the WHOLE ENTIRE year I hated more then anything. The anniversary of Nicole's accident that left a gaping whole inside my heart. THAT was the day we were going to talk to a Dr. about our chances?" But with lots of reassurance from my closest friends and my momma we went with it. Momma made me feel better by saying "maybe this is Nicole's way of being there with you."
--Little side story about the twelfth day in a month for my family... Nicole was born Feb. 12th, I was born June 12th, Heather ( my little sis ) was due Dec. 12th but like she has handled her whole life came when she felt like it! Kaydee, my niece, was born May 12th... Seeing a trend yet? But then bad things started happening on the twelfth too... Papa Bill passed away on the 12th, Nicole's accident was on the 12th... so I have some super mixed emotions about this day! --
Anyway- we went for it. We went to our consultation and got set up for what was next. We both talked about our medical histories and were reassured. Woman with PCOS were my Dr.s' favorite type of infertile patient because you find the problem, you fix it, and BAM! they're prego! My husband Josh and I left there feeling much better about our situation.. Me a little light headed considering they took 7 tubes of blood... but none-the-less feeling excited!
Within the next week, Josh was tested and completely checked out above average in everything, Go figure! I was also seen that following Tuesday and had an internal ultra sound where they inserted saline to view and make sure all of my anatomy checked out. Also, to check my uterine lining for ovarian cancer.. Which had me all kinds of worried! Nothing to worry about right? WRONG! Thank god my mom went with me. Y'all, I was sweating, nauseous, my hands and arms were tingling so bad I couldn't even pull my pants up! I kept trying to act like it wasn't a big deal and walked right into my Drs. office (who really is just the sweetest, & most professional guy) who pulled a chair out for me to sit in and go over everything. I walked right past the chair and laid my dizzy ass on his love seat. He looked at me and then my mom and they were confused as to what I was doing and why in the world was I laying down? ... Hell I don't even really remember this part. He said "Ashley, why don't we put you in a room with a wet cloth for about 10 minutes. These test results aren't going anywhere." So we walk into the room next to his office.. My mom is laughing saying "I bet they can't wait for you to get pregnant. You can't even handle an ultra sound!"
Finally when I came too, I was clammy but I wanted to know what our next hurdle was with Baby Benny. No cancer was found - YAY! All of my anatomy looked perfect - YAY! My body seemed to have pushed my MMR vaccination out because I am not immune to measles, mumps, or Rubella at the moment - wait, what? and my Dr. wants to start us on medicine in 4 weeks to get the ball rolling!- YAY!
Ultimately, Josh and I have not conceived because I just don't ovulate. at all. The medicine we will be taking will force me to ovulate and from my Dr.s opinion he thinks we will have the start of baby Benny in the next year. I left there feeling awfully sore from being violated but with such a happiness I haven't ever known. There is still a chance for us. We are finally doing more then just talking about Baby Benny! We are going to have our own little family and start our own traditions. I will get to dress the baby like my own personal doll. Josh, I am sure, will have A MILLION and one life lessons for our child.
But the following week I received my genetic testing and a negative wave hit the Benningfield household again with our fertility journey....
.......To be continued.