It's OK to not be OK... (fertility update!)
Right now, there is nothing that could be more true about how I have felt these last few months on this roller coaster fertility experience. There have been a lot more nights I go to bed without eating, or cry in my husband's arms questioning how I am going to keep taking all these medicines at different times that all make me feel SO,so different. Believe me, I know in the end it will be worth it.. it is just getting there that might kill me first!
Last we left off I had just gotten an email result about my genetic testing. You are given this option to take this type of test when you are beginning your lab work to see if you are a carrier of any kind of chromosome problem you could potentially pass on to your unborn child. Of course I wanted to just get it all out on the table so I went ahead and donated even more blood that day. A few weeks had passed and I received the email almost as soon as getting home from work and sitting on the couch. It was 6:06 ( I remember because this may be one of the scariest moments of my life to date!) I opened the email and began to read... first I noticed the $799 charge for the test... WHY insurance doesn't help infertility is beyond me but ::SHOUT OUT:: to Red Bull for providing their employees with fertility coverage. It has helped Josh and I save thousands already... and paid for this test too!
But, back to what I was saying.. I opened the email and had to follow it to my online portal. Of course I never thought too much into this but waiting for it to load made me so anxious. And then it loaded with my results...
I am a carrier... I am 48% carrier... I am a 48% carrier of Fragile-X Syndrome. Instant tears rolled down my cheeks. And, doing what anyone with a cell phone these days does, I google what in the world this syndrome is...
I read the above information at least 8 times. Treatment can help but not be cured... that is all I kept seeing.. First, I call my mom. She tries to calm me down and tells me to talk to our Dr. before I get myself so upset. Then I am sending screen shots of my online portal profile to my best friend who graduates nursing school this coming year. She tells me a bunch of medical terminology and I am confused at this point. And all the while my husband is watching me have this breakdown and was concerned too. That was a scary night.
The following morning I put a call into Dr. Hunter. He called me back within the hour to discuss my test results and to help me understand what we were going to do next. Dr. Hunter reassured me that we were not changing our original fertility plan he had spoke with us about. He also said that since I was below 50% carrier (barely!) that he wasn't concerned. Especially with me having sisters, this syndrome doesn't just go straight down the line when affecting someone. I can be a carrier but so can my sister's and their children.
So again, I was reassured we were on schedule and going to be starting meds the following week!
A week later I go to the fertility institute ready to get this ball rolling. My husband and I are riding the elevator up to our appointment - nervous and not talking. If you know us we are always talking or laughing. But we were quiet as can be. Holding hands. I can't speak for him but I know in my own head I was ecstatic to get our "plan" in detail of how we were going to try for this baby. What medicine would I be taking? For how long? What can I expect? So many questions raced through my head but I just held the hubs hand as we walked in. We were about to find out *hopefully* how Baby Benny is going to make it into this crazy world... with US.