To say the last few months have been hard on myself, my husband, our life would be such bullshit. I literally feel like my entire world falls apart once a month. Every month. Is this our life now? Is this my new routine?
I start a cycle of Letrozole ( gives me hot flashes, irritability, basically menopausal side effects) My fertility specialist when prescribing me to my medicine said I had a "stubborn hormone profile" -- go figure, because I am SO not stubborn!-- so instead of giving me 1-2 Letrozole capsules a day I get FOUR! Yes, I said FOUR of these bad boys. After I complete my cycle of being a menopausal maniac I go in for an inner uterine ultrasound. Everrrry month. I get to see my lovely ovaries with their fancy string of pearls ( PCOS'ers get the reference. We don't develop our follicles to maturity so instead of having 8-10 follicles we have like 60, which look like a pearl necklace.) At this point, we get to see how my body reacted to the Letrozole and if the medicine did in fact mature any eggs for us. Our most successful month was last month. We had one matured egg in my left ovary and two in my right ovary. This was a big deal to me ( Or at the time I thought it was ) because I had never had any follicles mature in my right ovary. So it was like "my sign" I needed. I was still responding to my meds and that this was gonna be our month! Something was different and it was going to take. I left the specialist with instructions to follow every thing normally like we had in the past. Normal, HA what is that?
For most people, following normal protocol to conceive is NOT what is normal for us. I was instructed to give myself my trigger shot of Ovidrel. Just to clarify, I do not ovulate on my own either, so this shot forces my ovulation within 36 hours of administering it into my stomach. So I give myself the shot at 9 am on a Tuesday - 9 pm on a Thursday is our target for conception. Another piece of our fun monthly routine are the suppositories. eww! Don't get my started. I hate them. Estrogen and Progesterone every night before bed.
Now, I am not sharing all of the medicine's I am on monthly for any other reason then to let you in on how disheartening it is after you follow all of these "cycles" and "shots" to a tee. You time your intercourse at exactly 36 hours... It is so much more then that..
You get your hopes up waiting for those two weeks to pass and all the while your mind is all over the place:
- I think I might be pregnant?
-My boobs are sore I must be pregnant?
- UGH! 5 more days, maybe I could just test a little early and if it is still negative I will again when I am actually supposed too.
-If I'm not pregnant and have been this whole stressful 2 weeks with no wine that will make me double sad.
- (staring at your husband while he naps in the recliner) I really hope this is it! He would make the best daddy.
-My lower back feels achy- maybe I really am gonna be a mom?
-I am just gonna browse the newborn clearance... just in case.
I could go ON and ON of alllllll the thoughts I have had these last trying months during this two week wait. And then comes the day I can finally test!!!
Each time NEGATIVE.
Have never in my life gotten any result other then NEGATIVE.
How am I supposed to continue an upbeat attitude month after month of this? How do I tell my husband after complaining these last two weeks and telling him this may be it, that it is in fact, not it? How do I not drown myself in wine because guess what? I still have to run a business, work full time, be a kick ass aunt, daughter, fur momma and wifey... How do I handle all these pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, everyone's life moving forward while I continue to hold mine and Josh's behind?
and then the cycle starts again...