B-E Aggressive.

Ahh.. another lovely month of cycles, Dr. visits, and yelling at my husband for laughing at me while I eat ice cream... no really, this legit happened last night. He made me so self conscious (Again guys, I am WAY more sensitive then I want to admit) and I threw my bowl down in disgust and wasn't going to eat it... but we all know my fat ass picked the bowl back up and ate my ice cream while being pissed that he was laughing at God knows what? He was just in a good mood... I wish I had good moods still...

BUT-this month we are switching some things up. I spoke to my Dr. this past Friday about our "next steps." I told him I fully trusted him and his plan for us BUT I wanted to explore other options. I asked him "Are we really doing everything we can to have a baby? What can we step up or switch to make sure we are?"

When we first went to the specialist last year he mentioned a shot that he could potentially add in later to our plan-- Gonal F -- with me having Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, it was almost a given we would have multiples. He wanted to deter from starting it when we started the other meds. to see if we were successful without it first. Surprise! We've not been successful!

So we are adding the shot-Gonal F to our plan this month as well as testing the waters with an IUI. -- Not sure what an IUI is?

So, yea, I am super nervous. Not only about the procedure just because it is new to me. But because, this Gonal-F shot that I will be adding in is a shot I will give myself nightly between 6-8 pm. Now, I am not scared of needles at all. And have been giving myself Ovidrel for months but that is only once a month. I am not sure how to feel about me needing to give myself shots daily. Like, if I am out and not home.. do I run home quickly, shoot myself up, and head on out like nothing happened? Do I carry my needles in my purse with me? Am I allowed to do that? If I get pulled over are they gonna be like "Ma'am we are sorry but we are gonna need to take your needles." I know, I know - my anxiety is out of control but when I have to do something completely new and out of my comfort zone this is how my mind works. But really, who here knows if you can have that shit in your purse? My poor doctor and the questions I bring to his attention.

Another little fun fact with all of this, the Gonal - F shot, before my fertility insurance ( if any - that is still pending and I am supposed to start the shot Thursday) will cost us $510. A MONTH. EVERY. MONTH. and you know what my sweet, handsome man said when I called freaking out that we will be paying a large car payment for this medicine that may or may not help us make a baby or three ?

" We will figure it out. "

How in the hell did I get such an amazing, patient man?

I have really been trying to practice gratitude lately. To really live in the moment and be thankful for what I do have. Because guess what? We may never get our Baby Benny. Should that eat at me for the rest of my life? Should I not enjoy the sunshine with my three fur babies I do have? Should I feel guilty for being happy? Because up until this point, since I started my journey I have! I am doing everything I possibly can, should I continue to keep myself locked in my house and upset daily? Sure, some days I will still have really bad days and won't do a thing. BUT I am trying to rewrite my story. I don't want it to say " She was super fun, funny, outgoing, and then started these meds and now all she does is stare into space, stay home, and cry while watching A walk to Remember or 50/50." -- yea, that is pretty specific, because that was half of my Sunday.

This Sunday we will go and schedule our IUI and see how everything has reacted to my Letrozole ( Pray for matured eggs!) Through the nerves, and excitement, and a few tears.. I just want you to know I am fighting to become myself again AND have this baby.

XOXO - Ashley

PS - Sorry I yelled at you for laughing Joshua. You cute.

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