For two weeks I’ve waited — for this morning. To be able to test. To hopefully see the beginning of my husband and my dreams unfold into a reality.
We’ve had names picked out for months for our future boy or girl. I’ve picked up little vintage fawn figurines for what will one day go in their nursery. Josh purchased a wind breaker as a Christmas gift in a NB size because I teared up in Target’s baby aisle wanting it. I mean EVERY baby needs a pastel colored wind breaker!
So at 7:37 this morning I sat, with my body guard Julius, who looked just as concerned as me. As we waited for the results, I was trying to come up with cute ways I’d tell my husband and mom it was positive. I was SO ready for my morning to be life changing.
I wonder if I should try another test.
This can’t be right, we had a procedure done.
I’ll wait another minute and check again..
next came the tears.. Julius has seen me at my absolute worst so this was no different. I text my husband and my mom.
“Negative. I’m not pregnant.”
They both were as upset as me, and I knew they would be.
How am I supposed to go to work with these puffy eyes and crazy upsets I couldn’t control while I did my mascara for the third time.
As I drove to work I kept telling myself it was ok.
There was only a 30-35% chance of conception. It usually takes a few times. It’s ok. This is gonna work out.
I cried as soon as I walked into work. Got my shit together in the bathroom and was able to fake smile (kind of) through the rest of my day.
It was an upsetting day to say the least.
BUT- I am a LUCKY woman.
I woke up this morning. I have a husband who loves me for me. My momma is my best friend. I have a step father who stepped up and makes me laugh every time I’m around him. I have my three fur babies who love me even when I am crying at 7:30 in the morning on the toilet. I have a few selfless friends who have checked on me repeatedly these last few days. A great job, a home I love.. I literally could list WAY more but you get the picture.
Today went from awful to not to terrible when I got these two after work. They got me flowers because they knew it’d been a rough day.
Even if I never have my own baby, which I pray to God I do.
But, if I don’t, I already have two babies. My niece and nephew are my everything. I would literally give anything in this world to see them smile. If all I ever get to do in this life is help them grow into amazing adults it wouldn’t be a complete loss for me. I love these two as if they’re my own. I’ll never have too many random nights of chic fil a and trying to skate board in a parking lot with them. Or telling jokes and singing at the top of our lungs.
These kids make me want to be a better me. And are hopefully molding me into a Momma.. for that one day I get a positive test. That one day I can tell my husband in a cute way I’m pregnant. I can make my momma a “Maw” again. I can decorate a nursery and buy the cute clothes..