Have you ever heard of Tortuga music festival? I hadn't either.. and I decided about 3 weeks ago I was going to take a girl's trip with a few ladies that had been before. Of course, my awesome husband thought I could use the get away for a few days too. My best friend Abby mentioned Tortuga and asked me about going. Like I always, do when there is something fun, I am ALL in before I even know the details. Tortuga is a 3 day party in Ft. Lauderdale with two stages and concerts going on all day on both. You decide which artist you want to see and go to that stage. There were artists there from Snoop Dogg, to Shaggy, To FGL, and even Eric Church! BUT - it doesn't get any better than Dwight Yoakum in my book! Sounds great, right? It was!
So why would I find myself getting upset at the most random times? I was on a beach soaking up the sun, drinking Corona's, enjoying life in my bathing suit even though I am still working with my winter bod. Why couldn't I shake this unsettling feeling...
I had just made a sofa couch in the sand and turned around to enjoy the fruits of my labor. Facing the ocean, listening to the waves, one of my best girls Rachel next to me. And I caught myself watching this family.. A little girl, about 4 or so, having her best day probably ever. She was running with a bucket of water sloshing everywhere. By the time she made it to her destination from the water her bucket was empty. I watched her do this about 4 times.. and the tears started rolling. Don't get me wrong, I was SO happy to be there with the girls I was with. But, I wondered if that would ever be me. Teaching my little girl how to keep the water in her bucket.. Showing her how momma makes THE best sand couches. All while my husband would sit in his chair under his umbrella watching his girls. It breaks my heart even now typing this.. but THIS- THIS is what infertility is! It freaking follows you no matter where you are or how beautiful your day is. It takes over anything that is good and robs you of the fun you should be having. So, like I always do, I shake it off.. I take myself out to the water before my friends realize I am crying into my corona. I come back up and go through my day as if that didn't just happen.
Fast forward, we are at Tortuga! Having a blast - drinking $13 beers, I know crazy!! But what are you gonna go... Oh I know!! Sneak in your cocktail in this amazing flask we purchased at Six Sister's Boutique.. and guess what... as long as you hid it at the bottom of your bag they never found it!
Now, don't get me wrong, I still paid for the beers. But this definitely helped save me money to eat at Primanti Brothers a couple nights. I am still dreaming of their pizza.
Here we are, in a crowd of people, all a little sunkissed, and singing our hearts out to Chase Rice. Next thing I know, he talks about how 3 years ago one of the best things that has ever happened to him was born - his niece. He promised her she could sing to everyone so he brings her out and they sing "Twinkle Twinkle little star" together.
::INSTANT TEARS:: and for a few reasons :
1) My niece and nephew are TWO of the BEST gifts I could've ever been given in this life. They literally are my moon and stars.
2) This little girls voice was SO sweet, like most little girls, and I got cold chills. I want my husband to be able to sing with our little girl one day. I want to shop for cute little girl clothes for her to sing in. I could list a million other thoughts I had but you get the picture.
I text my husband.. " Babe, I've literally cried twice today over kids. Once at the beach when this mom and kid were playing and just now when Chase Rice brought his niece out."
His response : " Babe just not think about it this weekend, just have fun and be stress free. That could be apart of the problem you're stressed all the time. Just relax."
"It makes me so sad Josh. It's hard to like "turn it off." I feel like a failure as a wife. You could go have a kid with anyone."
"It will be fine honey it will happen when the time is right. "
"Or maybe we are just suppose to take care of Kaydee and Colton."
If you aren't aware - Kaydee and Colton are my niece and nephew. They lost their mom, my older sister and lifelong best friend Nicole, 7 years ago in a motorcycle accident. Having two different dads has caused a lot of drama trying to keep these two close. But we do it. My mom is an angel... that is all there is to it! Josh and I try to stay involved with as much as possible with both of them as well. They are all I have left of my sister. When Josh proposed to me in 2013, I told him of course I wanted to marry him, BUT if the day ever came we had to take over taking care of either Kaydee or Colton, or both he would have to accept it. No questions asked, he agreed.
I literally WON the husband lottery with this guy. Not only has he always loved my family. Not only has he always been SO supportive of any wild idea, dream, or thought I have. Not only did he agree for me to take this girls trip for a little break. He knows how to make me feel OK in the worst circumstances. He makes me feel safe even when we are hundreds of miles apart.
But, my friends, this is infertility. It goes with you no matter where you are. It haunts you. It jumps in your conscious when you should be enjoying your vacation and let's you know it's still there. It makes you question who you are as a person. It makes you question if what you are doing is "OK" or "the best choice for trying to have a baby." It makes you notice things about strangers that you absolutely envy. It makes you question your own life. The depression is unreal. It makes you sick to your stomach with the unknown of what your future holds. It makes you cry on vacation when you should be enjoying a break.
But there really never is a break from wanting a baby is there? Think about it. Have you ever wanted something so bad? All you do is think about it, talk about it, dream about it. Now imagine never really knowing 100% if that something you want so bad will ever truly be yours. Imagine seeing others with it while you "wait your turn." Imagine being willing to try anything to make it happen and still not know the outcome.
All in all the girls trip was amazing. I am so glad I was able to go. But back to reality. Back to getting Dr's appointments set up and seeing what we are going to do next to try for Baby Benny.