It’s taken alot of days, tears, and some (OK, a lot) of wine for me to forgive my body. Do I think I’m a super model? Hell no. Do I love my body? I’m trying too. Do I still have days where I look in the mirror and my reflection breaks my heart? Absolutely!
You see, my body has not been capable in the last 4 years or so to do one of THE most important things a woman’s body should do... conceive. If you’ve followed along in my fertility journey then you know the heartbreak, hormones, and hell I went through. To be honest, I never thought over a year of invasive fertility appointments I would still be writing about how I failed to create a beautiful baby for us to love.
Starting last September on what we thought would be the road to making our bundle of joy - There were the two
obvious outcomes. We would end up with Baby Benny or we wouldn’t. I was SO determined option one was our answer and we wouldn’t stop until we got it.
But life happens.. my body wasn’t responding in a manner they thought it should. It wasn’t developing eggs. It wasn’t ovulating on its own. It seemed each month I would think “this is it! They’ve added drug number 3 and another shot. My body HAS to react.” And guess what? It didn’t.
Do you know what it’s like to hear “you’re husband isn’t a contributor to our issues. It’s you.” ... heartbreaking.
Do you know what it’s like to pump your body so full of hormones your ovaries grow to almost 3X their size (thank god for leggings!) and you have to show up to work with a smile. Pretending you don’t feel all of your organs jumbled inside you?
Do you know what it’s like to have worked SO hard on losing 35 lbs to get ready for your body to bare a baby? And put ALL 47 lbs of “baby weight” on only to not have a baby in your arms at the end of it?
I stopped fertility treatments in May. To be completely upfront - I couldn’t handle anymore. The mind games I would play at the start of the month pretending I was OK. The dieting, the shots and pills, the TWW (in infertility world, that’s two week wait) and finally after picking myself back up another month by the 3rd week being shot down of testing negative. That went on for months... how women can do this for years blows my mind. I truly wasn’t strong enough.
So when I stopped I promised myself I would get healthy again.. but I had these negative thoughts every time I would try to eat healthy or even exercise.
“Why are you even trying .. you’re too far gone.”
“You lost weight and it didn’t improve your fertility. Why put in effort when you can’t do it anyway?”
“You’re just wasting your time.”
“Just wear leggings and longer shirts to cover your rolls, it’s fine.”
YOU GUYS!!! I was telling MYSELF this (and much worse) for MONTHS!! I literally didn’t have any more love to give myself. It is so shameful but honest.
Believe me, I realize there are people out there dealing with far worse tragedies... but when you’re stuck in your own head. It’s hell to get out!
It’s been almost 5 months since stopping treatments. I actually am trying to make better decisions for myself and my body. I’m being more self conscious of what I eat. I’m walking and working out when I can and it’s finally getting to the point of feeling “normal” for me to do again. I know I have a long road to get to where I want to be - but seeing the deep, dark hole I dug myself out of is a pretty great start!
and friends - if you ever need a listening ear because your mind is playing tricks on you about something you can’t do- I’m here for ya!
XOXO - Ashley